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POSTED OCTOBER 19 , 1998-- Pornogate: You Read the Report! You Watched the Deposition! Coming Soon...The Movie of the Week! By Mike Mosedale In the grand orgy of self-important, disingenuous harrumphing produced by Ken Starr's $40 million inquiry into our President's lamentable blowjob-to-orgasm ratio (at nine to two, a disgrace to his status as leader of the free and randy world), one major issue has been neglected. Do we speak here of impeachment? Or the prospects of censure? Or the likelihood of resignation? Or the harrowing effect upon the public psyche of a Trent Lott face-time bonanza? No. All that dreary rubbish has now been examined, speculated upon and - in the word of the day - parsed more than the very mystery of creation itself. But one vital question arising from this sudsy scandal remains both unasked and answered, to wit: When will Big Media finally take the story out of the hands of bungling, semen-obsessed journalists and surrender it to the people to whom it rightfully belongs - the deep thinkers over in the network entertainment divisions? Oh, how richly this chattering republic now deserves the story in the format to which it is most ideally suited: Movie of the Week. The public has enthusiastically consumed Monica as entertainment product (note the great Nielson ratings) rather than as serious news (note Clinton's hefty approval ratings). Give the people what they want; there is no higher calling in mass-media-ocracy. The demands of the holy market place must be met. It is time to strip away all the bogus pretenses of journalism and sell this story as melodrama. Oh, but what to call the gossipy opus? Perhaps something on the lines of "Monica's Story: Me and My Big Mouth." We like the double entendre there, though "Crisis in the Oral Office" might work better for the crotch-sniffing muckrakers at FOX. A far more important issues remains. Who, it must be asked, should portray the main players in this prime time sizzler? Strangely, no one in the vast National Entertainment State seems to have given the matter much contemplation. Until now. As a public service, Cursor has come up with some suggestions. In the role of Monica, Lewinksy herself reigns as the supreme choice. Now that the Revlon gig has fallen through and the prospect of another goverment job seems unlikely, Monica surely must be casting about for some new occupation. Hollywood, of course, is the ultimate destination for those with nothing to offer society but a helping of infantile and base titillation. Barring that, former 90210 bad girl Shanen Doherty seems an obvious candidate. Dougherty possesses the requisite vibe - needy, dim and, of course, quintessentially, Californian. Yes, the demands of the role would require Shannon's adherence to a strict dietary regimen - perhaps something on the line employed in the course of DeNiro's classic beefing up for Raging Bull. As the President, we see the versatile and virile John Ritter as an excellent choice. In a virtual reprise of his glib, pillow-humping dog of a character "Jack Tripper" on the timeless seventies sitcom "Three's Company," Ritter could bring just the right amount of dignity to the project. His talents as a physical comedian - he was, after all, a master of the zany pratfall - would be SO perfect for those fumbling and hurried encounters in the White House hallways. Ken Starr? We think pudgy Ned Beatty would be ideal as the psalm-singing pornographer. Those inclined to loath Starr - a nice demographic there - would surely take some pleasure in contemplating Starr portrayed by the squeal-like-a-pig guy from "Deliverance." Of course, he's been squealing like a prig for quite some time. Fake journalist and former Nixon aide Diane Sawyer - in what could be billed as the Disney newswoman's "First Dramatic Role" - would seem an ideal Hillary. Added bonus: this bit of casting would create synergy between the now-nearly impossible to distinguish entertainment and news divisions over at ABC. Self-referential 20/20 tie-ins - a game Sawyer studying under a renowned acting coach/a light-hearted Sawyer clowning around with fellow cast members in "candid" moments between shots/an intense Sawyer thoughtfully studying tapes of Hillary - could boost ratings. Who better to play George Stephanopolous than white sitcom pygmy Michael J. Fox? Case closed on that one. Vernon Jordan? Well, isn't time - as a nation - we forgive O.J.? This is the opportunity of a lifetime for the Juice's return to the small screen and America's heart. And like Vernon, O.J.'s just the bomb in those swell, custom-tailored Italian suits. And, of course, we can't overlook Linda "the Most Hated Woman in America" Tripp. Indeed, the success of any drama rests most heavily on its villain. So great care must be exercised in this bit of casting. We thought long and hard and, in the end, only one name remained: long-tressed, former Led Zeppelin front man - Robert Plant. |